Have you ever had that moment where you can’t picture yourself being there tomorrow?
Have you ever had that moment where something is going so well and then the next day it’s not as great….overthinking….what happened?
You’re worried, right? What will tomorrow bring?
Deep down I think i’m beginning to realize i’m struggling…..and this will be the first time i’m admitting it to myself. You may be reading this and think…”just another teenager going through the same problems we all face.” Well, that could be it….but it could also be something different. I don’t want to tell myself this but I know it’s true…..i’m insecure about myself as a whole. Not just body image, not just what I wear, not just how much money I have in my wallet, not just who my friends are, not just what my personality is like, not just who I make smile or who I make roll their eyes…..but just me, Travis, as a whole. I apologize already if you are reading this and thinking… “how annoying” but then again is that another insecurity of mine, always wondering what everyone else is thinking about me, how I act, and what I say? Probably.
How am I supposed to fix something that has been affecting my life and how I live it ever since elementary school? How do you fix the unfixable?
Though I haven’t found who trav really is, I have discovered myself confused and really, really, really lost.
You were going to be with them forever, right? They were perfect…beyond perfect actually. You were loved, you never felt so good about yourself, they made you feel as if you were worth something. You felt infinite. Doing all the little stuff is what made everything so perfect….”the perfect relationship.” The “good morning:)” text, taking photos in the photo booth at the mall (the kissing photos being your favorite), baking/cooking together, finishing each other’s thoughts, driving in a car screaming your lungs out to the song on the radio, laughing until your stomach hurt, having study dates finding that you don’t mind doing homework as long as you’re with them, watching movies….cute ones like “Up,” talking about the future, and finding yourself cuddling on the couch holding on to each other at the end of the day. You created memories, memories that you planned on holding to, forever. All of the sudden, out of no where, BAM. It’s over. ’What?’ is the first thought, followed by ‘this isn’t happening.’ You’re having a bad dream, a nightmare, right? You’re sick, you’re going to vomit, you can’t feel your legs, curling up in a ball and not moving is all you can do. You’re numb. You can’t even produce the tears. You just lost “everything.” The world is crashing down on you so fast you can’t even catch a breath, why even bother waking up tommorow? You cry in your bed, you cry when you hear the alarm clock, you cry in the shower, you cry when you wipe off the mirror, you cry as you open your locker, “are you okay?” you cry, you cry at lunch, you cry as your teacher says the stupidest thing but reminds you of them. You cry, you cry, you cry, you curl up in that tiny little ball again and you cry. Those salty tears never seeming old, not even Mom can catch them for you. You lay in bed……but the last thing on your mind is waking up. You see the things they got for you laying everywhere in your room….now referred to as “dumb shit,” you go through old photos on facebook thinking ‘why…’ You find yourself clenching on to every single part you can wanting it all back. Guess what? It’s done, finished, complete, the book as closed, the ship has sailed….it’s over. You don’t want it to be, no, no, no. Nope, nu-uh, haha good joke, it can’t be. It was supposed to be “forever.” You go into the shower and you cry, you get out, you cry. You do this today, you’ll do it tommorow, and the next day, and even the next day after that. One day though, you’ll look in the mirror, “you’re better than this.” Wait…..did I just say that? Yes. You said it. That’s the tiny little piece to the beginning of this huge, complicated, messy puzzle. Grab onto it…it’s the littlest thing ever but you hold onto it, clenching it with everything you got. Embrace it, love it, understand it, use it. Cry it all out and then tell yourself over and over and over again….”you’re strong, be strong.” or “I’m better than this.” Embrace it, love it, learn it. Once you begin to do that, apply it every time. You will slowly begin to progress….you may not see it but trust me, you are. Soon you begin to feel a little bit like yourself again. Friends are seeming normal, school isn’t unbearable, you can look at mom without bursting into tears…….Your heart still aches? Yah, that’s normal. You loved them, you expect to shed their entire existence with the snap of the fingers? No. You’ll feel that heart ache for a while but it’s up to you to tell yourself…..”you’re strong.” You embrace it, you love it, and you understand it. As the days go on the sun seems brighter. You throw away all of the “dumb shit,” you delete the photos off facebook, you pass by the photo booth in the mall like it’s not even there, you do homework with a friend, you clear your head. Inhale…..exhale. You go shower, you get clean, you start fresh. You begin a new chapter, the book is just opening, there are plenty more fish in the sea you’re about to meet, you have your entire life in front of you. It’s hard…but you will come to embrace it, you will come to love it, and eventually, understand it. You begin to understand yourself, you learn new things, and you begin to appreciate yourself. In the end you will realize, you can get through this.
Dear “the one,”
It’s scary to think that you’re out there, somewhere, living and breathing right now. It’s scary to think that you’re the one who i’ll be saying “till death do us part” to at our wedding. You’re the one that i’ll love forever. You don’t know it but I need you so badly right now. I’m sick of pouring my heart and feelings out to these other people and not getting the response I crave for. That’s why I need you <3 I want you, the one that I can love unconditionally and get the same thing in return. You’re beautiful and I want to have movie dates, take you to dinner, walk in public and hold hands, kiss you randomly because i can’t get enough of you, and overall just be with you. You, the one, are going to be my everything. I want to be the first person you wake up to so I can say “goodmorning, beautiful.” and the last person you see when you fall asleep, “goodnight love.” We would have our happily ever after and grow old loving eachother, like the couple in the movie “Up.” I might not know you right now but, i love you. Why can’t you just come into my life right now? You’re the one I need the most right now.